I remember the first time I told a friend I was struggling with pornography. I was scared of what they would think. I worried they would be disgusted with me. It was terrifying, but I knew I needed to tell someone. The burden was destroying me, and I just wanted someone to know what I was going through.
Thankfully, by the grace of God, they did not shame me. They simply told me they understood, and that they had once struggled with it too. That response meant more to me than they probably realized.
If you are struggling with pornography, or if someone comes to you and shares that they are struggling, I hope these steps help you respond with grace, truth, and love like they did for me.
Don’t shame them
The biggest thing in this situation is to not pour more shame and guilt onto the person. When someone is struggling with pornography, they are probably already carrying a deep sense of shame. They do not need someone to crush them further. They need to know they are not alone.
Even if you have never struggled with pornography yourself, we all understand temptation. We all know what it is like to wrestle with lust, desire, and a heart that craves what it should not.
So start there. Let them know they are not alone. Let them know you understand that the struggle is real, and that you are not there to judge or shame them.
Speak truth in gentleness
This is where the hard part comes. You have to tell them the truth. Porn is something to take seriously, and if they are confessing it to you then they likely know this.
In Galatians it says restore those who are in sin with gentleness.
“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.” Galatians 6:1
That means if you live by the Spirit it is your obligation to restore those who are in sin gently. It does not say to pat them on the back and say “it’s no big deal, everybody does it” and go about your day.
It also does not say to speak harshly to them. Proverbs 15:1 speaks to this directly:
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1
We are here to restore our brothers and sisters just as Christ restored us from sin.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re like, “Okay, this sounds great and all, but what do I actually say?”
Glad you asked.
Try this:
Thank you for being vulnerable enough to tell me that. I know it was probably extremely hard for you, and I’m grateful that you trust me enough to share something so personal.
I’m not here to judge you, shame you, or add more guilt. I’ve been there, and I know how heavy that feeling can be.
I also know that if you’re telling me this, you probably feel convicted and want freedom from it. The truth is, this is not something we can overcome on our own. Only God can bring that kind of freedom, and it happens through heart transformation.
Tools like website blockers and accountability systems can be helpful, but they are not the full solution. Real freedom comes when our hearts are transformed by the Spirit.
That transformation comes from spending time with God and allowing His Spirit to fill us, lead us, and love us in ways we cannot fully understand.
Pornography is often a symptom, not the root problem. There is a void you are trying to fill, and that void can only be filled by Him. As your relationship with Him grows, He begins to heal what is underneath and fill your spirit in a way nothing else can.
Copy and paste this if you need it. I have used versions of this and it does exactly what we’re supposed to do. Love the sinner, hate the sin.
Give them actionable steps
The next thing I have found very helpful, and I’m borrowing this from a pastor from my previous church, is this:
Help them change their environment
A lot of people want freedom, but they keep living in the same environment where temptation keeps winning. They pray for God to help them stop, but they still keep their phone in bed at midnight. They ask for freedom, but they leave every door to temptation wide open.
And yes, God can absolutely transform the heart. That is the deepest and most important work. But Scripture also tells us to be wise, to flee temptation, and to make no provision for the flesh.
Romans 13:14 says:
“Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.” Romans 13:14
That last part is so important. Do not make provision for the flesh. In other words, do not set up your life in a way that makes sin easy.
If someone is struggling with pornography, one of the most loving things you can do is help them ask, “Where am I making this easier than it needs to be?”
Here are some practical things they can do today.
1. Get the phone out of the bedroom
This is simple, but it matters.
If the main place they fall is late at night, alone, tired, and scrolling in bed, then the phone cannot sleep next to them anymore. Buy an actual alarm clock. Charge the phone in another room. Put it in the kitchen. Put it outside the bedroom. Give it to a roommate, spouse, parent, or trusted friend at night if needed.
This is not legalism. This is wisdom.
Jesus says in Matthew 5:29:
“If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away.” Matthew 5:29
Jesus is not telling us to physically harm ourselves. He is showing us how serious sin is and how seriously we should treat whatever is leading us into it.
For some people, the “right eye” is the phone in the bedroom. So remove it.
2. Put blockers and accountability on every device
Website blockers are not the whole solution, but they are a helpful tool. Put porn blocking software on the phone, laptop, tablet, and any device that has internet access.
Do not only block porn sites. Block the gray areas too. Block the apps, websites, and social media pages that usually lead there.
A lot of people do not fall all at once. They drift. They start with something “not that bad,” then click again, then search again, then eventually end up where they said they would never go again.
James 1:14–15 says:
“But each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin…” James 1:14–15
Temptation usually has progression. So do not wait until the last step to flee from it. Cut it off early. Run even sooner.
3. Cut off streaming services if needed
This may also include cutting off streaming services. For me personally, Netflix used to be a trigger. I would start by watching a normal show, then a scene or image would trigger something, and it would lead me down a path I had no business going down.
That may not be everyone’s story, but if it is yours, be honest about it.
If Netflix, Hulu, certain shows, social media apps, or specific accounts consistently cause you to stumble, cut them off.
Jesus says in Matthew 5:29:
“If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away.” Matthew 5:29
Jesus is not telling us to physically harm ourselves. He is teaching us to take sin seriously and remove what keeps leading us back into it.
4. Fill your heart with the things of God
In Matthew 4, Jesus is tempted in the wilderness, and He responds to temptation with the Word of God. That matters because many of us are trying to fight temptation while spiritually empty.
Galatians 5:16 says:
“So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” Galatians 5:16
So read Scripture. Pray. Worship. Spend time with God. I dare you to read the Bible for 30 minutes every day and watch what it does to your mind.
Romans 12:2 says we are transformed by the renewing of our minds. That means your mind is being shaped by something. The question is: what is shaping it?
5. Reduce the noise
If the music, shows, podcasts, or content they consume constantly pulls their mind toward lust, pride, fantasy, or compromise, encourage them to replace some of it with worship, Scripture, or even silence.
Philippians 4:8 tells us to think about what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable.
Sometimes the reason we cannot hear God is because there is too much noise coming in. Too much content. Too much entertainment. Too many distractions.
Psalm 46:10 says:
“Be still, and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10
6. Build a life where freedom is easier
The point is not to create a new list of religious rules. The point is to build a life where walking with God becomes easier and running back to sin becomes harder.
Move the phone. Install the blockers. Cancel the subscriptions. Delete the app. Open the Bible. Turn off the noise. And let God begin renewing the heart.
Pray for them
After you encourage them, speak truth to them, and help them take practical steps, pray for them.
Do not just say, “I’ll be praying for you,” and then never actually do it.
Pray for them right there if you can.
This does not have to be weird or overly spiritual. It can be simple. It can be honest. But there is something powerful about stopping in that moment and bringing the struggle before God together.
James 5:16 says:
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” James 5:16
Notice what it says. Confess and pray.
Not confess and shame.
Not confess and gossip.
Not confess and lecture.
Confess and pray.
When someone opens up about a struggle like pornography, they are trusting you with something heavy. One of the most loving things you can do is help carry that burden to the Lord.
Galatians 6:2 says:
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2
Prayer reminds them that they are not fighting alone. It reminds them that you are with them, but more importantly, God is with them.
You might pray something like this:
Lord, thank You for my friend and for the courage it took for them to bring this into the light. I pray that You would remind them they are not condemned in Christ, but deeply loved by You. Give them strength to flee temptation, wisdom to change their environment, and a heart that desires You more than sin. Renew their mind, heal what is broken, and surround them with people who will walk with them in truth and grace. In Jesus’ name, amen.
And then keep praying for them after that conversation.
Check in on them.
Ask how they are doing.
Pray for their heart, not just their behavior. Pray that God would renew their mind, heal the places they are trying to numb, and teach them to find real satisfaction in Him.
Because at the end of the day, you are not their Savior.
Jesus is.
Your job is not to fix them. Your job is to love them, point them to Christ, help them walk in wisdom, and pray for them as God does the work only He can do.
